How Does True Love Looks Like?

From Pixabay.com

Several times I’ve talked about depression and anxiety, the things we need to focus on everyday to improve ourselves and how we are expressing self-care with these acts with respect and high moral values. But what I haven’t done enough is talking about self-love and neither about true love in a relationship to someone else.

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and around this time we feel the necessity or sometimes the obligation to profess “love” towards our partners with gifts, love letters, Valentines cards, chocolates, flowers, special dates, etc…

On the other hand, people who aren’t in a relationship tend to fall into depression because they think something is wrong with them. I’d like to demonstrate here why Valentine’s Day is not that important to those that feel depressed about it.

Before that, let’s take a look at what love is.

What is Love?

♪ Baby don’t hurt me…

I’ll not go too deep into defining what love is because I think is not something we need to understand with logic but instead with our gut feelings, with our hearts.

One simple and clear definition of Love; a sense of affinity toward something or someone.

A great definition I believe! This one conveys that love is something we feel towards others because we sense that we can relate and open up our true selves. We can deposit our trust and be vulnerable.

Just for the sake of mentioning because I think is an interesting fact about love. Greeks in ancient times used seven words to describe the different kind of loves we can perceive and devote, these are:

Philautia -> Self-love

Storage -> Natural affection

Philia -> Friendship

Ludus -> Flirting

Eros -> Sexual and Erotica

Pragma -> Committed (Married)

Agape -> Unconditional (Divine)

As I’ve said, I’ll not go too deep about what love is (maybe will save it for another post). But hope this basic understanding and the simple definition I’ve just gave you here, will serve you well.

Now, I’ll give you my opinion about what is “true love”, and why if you are single you shouldn’t be depressed about Valentines Day.

When There’s True Love in a Relationship, Valentine’s Day is just Another Day

Valentine’s Day is good in the way to remind us that we need to keep in track, not lose the way of caring and showing the commitment to our partner, that we are interested in being with her/him.

All of this is very important because sometimes we can lose track and forget to nurture our love life, but the way we try to nurture a relationship is by an expensive date, a fancy gift or doing something big to show our significant others that we really love them. And this is not the right way.

I almost can bet someone hasn’t fallen in love with you because you gave flowers and chocolates in Valentines Day. Showing interest? Sure thing! But true love it’s hard to gauge or maybe cannot be measured, not sure about this statement.

What I have pretty clear is that what sets the difference in relationships that have love at its core between those that lack it, is the daily practice of being committed to our partner in the relationship.

The daily minimal and insignificant things that by standing-alone won’t make any difference, but when combined over certain amount of time, it makes all the difference.

It’s not about the intensity because there’s not an exact day in which you can say “I love you” but instead it’s about the consistency. Being genuinely consistent is more about believing there’s something over there with that person and you keep committed to that person and that relationship.

When the two of you do it, you can say there’s true love! And that’s why you shouldn’t be depressed about being single in Valentines Day.

Conclusion

Love is something we all can feel but sometimes cannot explain. Love is not something we need to understand with logic but instead feel it with our hearts.

By having a sense of affinity with your own self, you’ll end up accepting who you are and keep committed toward building a healthy relationship with yourself. And as a matter of fact, it will be the best thing to do before starting a love relationship.

Valentines Day is more about intensity not consistency which is where we can find true love. However, the trick of consistency and finding love, is being genuine with the interest and the actions taken to foster the relationship.

Trust, Friends And Dealing With Depression

The other day I saw a tweet from MotivationalQuotes that says

The best thing in life is finding someone who knows all your flaws, mistakes, and weaknesses, and still thinks you’re completely amazing.

Which inspires me to think about trust, friendship and how those variables can affect depression in a negative or positive way. I even wrote something similar inspired by this quote and put it in an image posted on Instagram.

View this post on Instagram

Truly it is, you have to trust me on this one.

A post shared by LeeSoyer (@leesoyer_tfp) on

To understand better the way I see this let’s start by giving you the definition of trustworthy and having friends when you are dealing with depression.

Trustworthiness and Friendship, How Can We Find It?

Trustworthiness is the value we give to someone we can rely on when we express the truth to them. A trustworthy friendship is then the capability of all people involved being true to each one inside that relationship.

Are you with me so far?… Good!

The first step to finding someone who is trustworthy to us is by raising our own standard of how we see ourselves. We need to stop lying to ourselves and be able to face what is true in us first.

Our way of thinking must match our words and actions knowing always that we can make mistakes along the way, but by recognizing our mistakes flaws and weaknesses is the way we become humble as human beings and can accept other peoples flaws.

The reality is that it doesn’t matter how many friends do you have and how many people admire you and “love” you if you’re not keeping it real with yourself

The next step to find a trustworthy friend is by knowing who are the people around you who are real to themselves and are humble enough to see and accept the flaws of others.

Friends That We Can Trust And Can Help Us Dealing With Depression

A lot of people are concerned about meeting new people, having a big social circle and being loved by everybody, after meeting these expectations, then they try to keep their friends and finding someone trustworthy and caring enough to help them with whatever they are dealing in their lives. In this case, depression and anxiety.

But how many of those friends will help you fight depression and anxiety in your life?

I almost can bet that just a handful of those friends are willing to stay with you while you’re having a hard time and from those that stay with you just a few of them will know how to give you a real help with your depressive states.

It’s a fact that having a supportive and trustworthy friend helps a lot when we try to overcome something because by sharing our stuff we’re getting a relief of our burdens, and in that way, the weight of our soul gets lighter.

With everything said here, a quick definition of trustworthy friends that helps us deal with our depression could be something like; Those special people that walk with us in our lives carrying some of our baggages with them to help us arrive at a better destination.

Trust, Friends And Depression

Best Top #1 Advice To Depressed And Broken Hearts

If you recently have broken up, have been single for some time now, could not find a partner to enjoy life with and among this, you suffer from depression. Then you should keep reading because this message is for you!

Some time ago I’ve found the book of Jordan Peterson and the message he spread to people, teenagers and young adults in general. And I’ve found the message he gives to people is quite interesting and works nicely on all kind of situations in life.

In his book “12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos” (which I’ll just mention for now) he encourage us to be responsible for our own condition in all situations.

The 12 rules are the following;

  1. Stand up straight with your shoulders back
  2. Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping
  3. Make friends with people who want the best for you
  4. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today
  5. Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them
  6. Set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world
  7. Pursue what is meaningful (not what is expedient)
  8. Tell the truth – or, at least, don’t lie
  9. Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don’t
  10. Be precise in your speech
  11. Do not bother children when they are skateboarding
  12. Pet a cat when you encounter one on the street

From here, having all this information and putting it into practice in our lives we can experience a huge transformation on how we see the world. Knowing nonetheless, that is very difficult to do this while being depressed and anxious in life, that’s why you need to do an extra effort and doing this have much more value in your life!

But what all of this has to do with my love situation?

Fair question, bare with me, because I’m about to give you the best advice someone can give you when you have a broken-depressed heart.

#1 Advice To Broken Hearts

#1 Advice To Depressed And Broken Hearts

The thing is that when you have your heart broken you’re giving your power away to that person who broke it, and this is normal because during this process you feel betrayed and that nobody is worthy of your trust, attention, and love.

But in a way, by keeping this mindset, you too are making yourself unworthy of trust, attention, and love.

The best advice to solve this is to keep on bettering yourself in all areas of your life. It sounds simple, and it really is simpler than you think. What makes it difficult is the grief of losing that one person, the anger of being betrayed by him or her and the blame we do on that person.

I don’t want to sound too hard with you guys, but someone needs to tell you this, you need to take more responsibility for your well-being and not expecting to find happiness on someone else being in our lives because this implies that we cannot find happiness by being alone.

Another reason why I think focusing on being better than your former self is the best advice, is because inside a relationship you must be able to give love (not just take love and discharge all your problems on the relationship) and to be able to do it in the best way, you must be in your optimal condition, meaning that at least you can manage your depression on your own.

Conclusion

The best way to recover faster from depression and break-ups is to focus more on what you can do to better yourself. Doing this will lead you to gain back your power to manage your emotions and deal with this situation better.

I believe this is the best advice anyone can give you during a hard time like a breakup. And with enough time you’ll build for yourself the resilience, self-confidence, and character to overcome all the bad things life will throw you.

Top 7 Tips To Make Friends While Being Depressed

Being depressedAs a teenager, making friend shouldn’t be a difficult task, you just need to find some people that enjoy some of the things you enjoy yourself and share that common interest between you and that person. Sounds pretty easy.

Making friends should come naturally to us because it’s something we as human thrive for and need in our lives, but it doesn’t come so natural. We are social beings and at the core of each one of us, there is a need to feel secure and protected by belonging to a community and social circles.

All of this means that when we’re not satisfied with our social needs, it can affect in a certain way the perception we have of ourselves, leading to believe we are not worthy of belonging and lastly to recluse ourselves and feel even more depressed.

Why will someone bother to befriend me if I feel like a hollow shell on the inside?

Just remember that feeling it’s not your reality, you’re not an empty hollow shell, you’re a human being worthy of love and compassion. The difference is huge because you just need to realize this is the truth and your feelings aren’t facts.

I want to share with you some of the best practices for making new friends while dealing with and fighting depression.

7 Tips to Make Friends While Being Depressed

     1. Find Common Ground

Find someone in school, work or nearby that have the same interest as you. It will be easier to relate to them and they will be more open to you if both of you are talking about something interesting.

     2. Socialization Goals

Add a few goals, (or just one if you feel it’s too much) to your daily task about doing something with someone. It may be something really simple like just saying hi to someone you don’t know and make a question about something they might know. Or maybe a compliment about their clothing and hairstyle.

     3. Volunteer

I cannot address in just a few words here how important it’s doing something for someone without expecting anything back. While you are actively volunteering you will spend time doing something good for society alongside with other peers, this is a perfect environment to start new friendships with caring people.

     4. Non-Socializing-Pressure Places

Nightclubs, bars and that kind of places all have in common that they are meant to socialize with people, either with friends or to meet new people there, but they put too much pressure because of the outcome expected to be funny, enjoyable and charismatic. Best to find some other places with less pressure, For me, a library has done wonders!

     5. Join a Support Group

Support groups exist especially for that reason, giving support to its members. The only thing you need to do it’s to join, participate in their activities and meetings and let your needs be known to them. Probably the easiest way to feel that you belong to something and make new friends while fighting depression.

     6. Set Realistic Expectations

In today’s world, everybody has the tendency to over-judge others and to high-up unrealistic expectations of what is normal. More than a tip, this is a mindset. Don’t judge other people based on how they look like or what you can get from them, instead focus on the interaction that’s taking place right at the moment and try to do your best one interaction at a time.

     7. Don’t Be Harsh With Yourself

I left this one for last because it’s more of a mindset to have rather than a simple tip, and it’s more focused on keeping friends rather than making new ones. This means that whenever you’re feeling that someone is letting you down don’t think it’s your fault, people have lives and responsibilities too. This applies to new friends too, remember, one interaction at a time.

Conclusion

While you may follow all these tips or some of them, it’s not the intention to be a replacement for proper treatment.

There’s no need to say that depression is a nasty feeling we may fight with all our strength to win back our lives. With that said, finding and keeping trustworthy friends while you have depression can be a great therapy to finally beat your depressive moods.

But it can be a great challenge too. The important thing it’s to always take some action (even if it’s minimal) towards the happier healthier version of ourselves we want to be with the mindset of doing our best even if we feel like failures in doing so.

PS: If you find like failing or having it too difficult to even talk and start a conversation with someone else remember that depression needs to be treated by an expert.

I Feel Miserable Because of my Boyfriend

I Feel Miserable, depressed

With everything new to discover, your body and mind growing to adulthood and boys now checking you out with different eyes, having a boyfriend and knowing how to manage this new kind of relationship… being a teenage girl can be a real challenge, I get it.

Maybe you aren’t sure of asking yourself “do I feel miserable because of my boyfriend or is depression affecting my relationship”?  What you really want to know is whether your relationship is making you feel miserable or you’re feeling depressed and it’s now affecting your relationship.

To help you clear any doubt I’ll give you 5 sure signs that you have a toxic relationship and the best thing to do is saying goodbye before you invest more time and energy with him.

  • 1 – You Don’t Feel Like Been Equal to Your Partner in This Relationship

Is he bossing you around? Maybe he has a kind of authority that you cannot deny but you can recognize when someone is using authority to enhance your life or just to make you feel inferior.

Being equal in this case means that both of you have the same level of power and authority over each other. If you don’t feel like being equal in your relationship there’s a sure sign that in the future your boyfriend will take you for granted and stop valuing you as a partner in life.

It’s healthier to have shared power than an imbalanced power scale in love relationships, no doubt about it.

  • 2 –  A Partner is Not Your Life but an Enhancement of It

And Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper meet for him.” Gen 2:18

Guess what, it works the other way around a man is also a helper and your boyfriend should be a helper in your life too. The confusion in a relationship starts when both of the partners want to be together but have different goals and expectations about life.

Best thing to do is always to have the talk at an early stage and be clear about what you want and what he wants. Otherwise, what is the reason to be in a relationship if it’s not going to be a healthy one?

  • 3 – It Is Your All Fault? Or Is He Twisting Everything so It Seems Like It Is?

I think this is probably the worst kind of behavior you can expect from someone, especially from a person that you want to have an intimate relationship with, like a boyfriend.

This is a form of gaslighting and the end result of taking this kind of behavior is to make you feel responsible for everything that is going wrong. But even worse than that is that he can’t take any responsibility for their actions and need someone else to blame.

With this lying, blaming, and lack of responsibility on his part, can you really trust him? can you really feel secure being with him?

Time passes by and you’ll end up fighting depression if you accept this kind of behavior.

  • 4 – Your Boyfriend Has Low-intensity Anger.

Being angry or mad is one thing, but being angry all the time about the smallest things is not good.

If you or your boyfriend cannot manage the anger issues is a sign that there’s not enough maturity. Being angry communicates that we’re not being happy and the anger of someone always is projected onto someone else.

A loving relationship is about being happy together not about someone lashing and discharging his anger in someone else.

  • 5 – Being irresponsible and Don’t Do His Fair Share.

Let’s keep things simple. Putting you down in any form can spark anxiety and depression making you feel miserable, and goods feelings are added with any form of appreciation.

If you are the only one investing the energy and love to nurture the relationship and feel like he’s not doing it, chances are he deep down think this relationship is not working and doesn’t feel like is worthy to do the effort.

This is an element of your relationship that needs attention from both, loving relationships are not made by one, but by two.

Loving relationships can ignite all kind of pains and insecurities (a chance for personal growth). The sooner you face the reality of your relationship, the faster you can get over deciding your next best move.